I've notice since i got on here that its someplace i can share my feelings and get minor feedback.

I was lucky that most of my friends haven't signed up for xanga or just dont use it. I haven't found any so i dont have to worry too much about them coming across it and making fun of me. Or knowing what i really am thinking because if i had wanted them to know i'd have tried to tell them. Or maybe i have tried and still didn't get the validation or attention ive been craving. If anything i'm glad i've been able to use this as a release for my thoughts and feelings.

So i'd just like to say thank you xanga.com for being there to let me share

First lets start with what stalking is.

Stalking typically involves a persistent pattern of conduct that is not wanted by the person to whom it is directed, and may include, but is not limited to, any of the following behaviors:

• Telephoning

• Surveillance

• Following/Pursuit (e.g., by car, on foot)

• Culturally inappropriate courtship behaviors (e.g., bluntly asking for sex)

• Trespassing

• Sending unwanted letters                                                    

• Cyberstalking (e.g., unwanted and harassing e-mail, or instant messaging)

• Sending unwanted gifts/items (e.g., romantic, bizarre, sinister, or perverted)

• Attempts to “save” or “rescue” (e.g., from an "immoral life" or an unpleasant situation)

• Spreading false rumors about the alleged victim of stalking

• Threats to harm the alleged victim, others, or oneself

• Property damage

Stalking behavior can best be conceptualized as existing on a continuum, from low intensity to high intensity.  In other words, at one end of the range the behaviors are mild, less intrusive and non-persistent behaviors perceived by others as inappropriate, problematic, and harassing.  At the extreme end of the continuum are severe, persistent, or aggressive forms of pursuant behaviors.

Now to be far some of these things you don't do. the threats haven't been uttered in such a direct manner but i still see and understand a threat when i hear one. The unwanted gifts aren't sent because you and i are both aware that if they did happen to be sent out we'd just throw them away or have them returned.

The other actions though are very apt in my discription of your behavior when it comes to my life. I hope that this is a wake up call to you so you can see writen down what you're doing. I know that when you feel passionatly about something it causes you not to put all the things youre doing side by side to get the full extent of your obsession.

I'm sure your goal isn't to stalk me or my family and you're just infatuated. Either way its turned into criminal actions that are not just annoying but scary as well. I want to believe that you're not actually crazy so i'm going to asked you for the last time nicely to please recognize that what you're doing is cruel and insaine and i hope you seek the help you need to stop.

I'm going to move back with the fam. Get my butt enrolled back in school. Get money saved up for a cheap car. Start a new life. Maybe even start searching for some single friends.

Good plan? i hope so. I got no other. I'm literally starting from scratch since i used my good credit score to get us things we needed under the understanding that he'd be getting a job or enrolling in school (collecting his $1K/mnth for his GI bill) to help me pay for it all. Now he we are a year later still no job and no progress on his part to make it consisitantly work. It makes me wonder if he did this with any of his other girlfriends. What a shame. he seemed to great. Everyone liked him in the beginning and when they don't know what he's done they like him still.

I hate when they become disillutioned because it makes me look so stupid. Its truely embarrassing. I try to be forgiving and we a part of the solution but i dont see myself lasting that long that way. I've been trying to get along for a year now and he's made no progress at all. I think i realize when its time to cut bait. and This seems to be that time. All his good intentions only last one day and then its all over. Then he goes back to what he really us. Good for nothing. Literally.

I hate saying stuff like this because i do have feelings for him. Granted they're not what they were but their still those caring feelings someone has for another person they'd come to love. The sad part for him is i think i've finally decided to recognize some self worth and i'm going to start taking my life back so i'm not constantly left holding the bill. I wish that i did believe its true and he'd start getting better but his actions never show that this will in anyway become true. I'm always holding out hope for it. The obvious fact is its never going to happen. He's proven that to me time and time again.

When i'm with him and he's desperate to keep me its great. But i'm always apprehensive because i know what he's really like once he's relaxed again. Same thing different week. I think i'm finally tired of my friends (this is what i believe mind you not what they've told me) opinion of me falling.

I use to be a strong person. I think

Maybe i was always this weak person i was just never given the opportunity to show that weakness. Maybe thats lucky and now i can build back up and really be that strong person everyone believed me to be. I know what i need to do i just hate being alone.

My fears of being alone all my life are what rule me. What if the world really does end when the aztec calender does and i'm alone when it happens. Or i'm not with the ones or one i love. I just hope that i have someone reliable and loving that i care for passionatly in return. I already know that i am capable of true loyalty i just need to discover someone that is able to recipricate that.